A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.

The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey stole my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it."

中文翻译：

一男子去酒吧，点了一杯啤酒。他喝了一口放下。当他环视酒吧时，发现一只猴子荡下来，在他阻止之前，偷走了啤酒。

该男子问酒吧招待，这只猴子是谁的。服务员回答说是钢琴手的。男子走到钢琴手面前问：“你知道你的猴子偷了我的啤酒吗？”钢琴手回答说：“没有，但是如果你能哼唱，我会为你演奏的。” 

关于水的笑话，你知道吗

An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"

"Sure. That's easy," said one man.

"What is it?"

"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."

"What, what?" reasked the instructor.

"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
中文翻译：

生化战争课的老师在课堂上问士兵们：“谁知道水的分子式？”

“当然，太简单了。”一个士兵回答道。

“是什么？”

“H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O.”

“什么，什么？”老师又问道。

“H to O，”化学专家解释道。

笑看两只蟑螂之间的讨论

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.

"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."

"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"
Noteroach：蟑螂　　munch：用力咀嚼　　sanitary：清洁的
中文翻译：

两只蟑螂正在一条小巷的垃圾堆上大吃着，其中的一只谈起了它在一家新开张的餐馆里的经历。

“那时我在街对面的那家新餐馆里，”它说。“那里太干净了！厨房没有一点污渍，地面闪着白光。任何地方都没有垃圾。那里是如此干净，整个地方都在发光。”

“请不要在我吃东西的时候说这个好吗？”另一只蟑螂不悦地说。

时间对猪的意义time to pig

One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living. The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree. The city man said to the farmer," I see that your pig likes apples, but isn"t that quite a waste of time?" The farmer replied," What"s time to a pig?"

中文翻译：

　　一天，有一个城市里的游客来到一个小乡村，在乡间路上开着车，想看看农庄是什么样子，也想看看农夫怎样种田过日子。这位城里人看见一位农夫在宅后的草地上，手中抱着一头猪，并把它举得高高的，好让它能够吃到树上的苹果。城里人对农夫说，“我看你的猪挺喜欢吃苹果的，但是，这不是很浪费时间吗?”那位农夫回答说，“时间对猪有什么意义？

学会礼貌 To Be Polite

One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.

Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"

Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"

Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."

Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"

中文翻译：

　　一天，比尔和汤姆去餐馆吃饭。当服务员端上两份牛排时，比尔迅速地为自己拿了比较大的那块。

　　汤姆对此很不开心：“你什么时候能学会礼貌？”

　　比尔说：“如果让你先拿，你会拿哪个？”

　　汤姆说：“当然是小的那个。”

　　比尔：“那你还抱怨什么？小的那个不就是你想要的，不是吗？”

亲爱的，没什么新鲜事

A history teacher and his wife were sitting at a table, the wife asked “Anything new at work”, and he replied", no, I am teaching History".

中文翻译：

　　一位历史老师和他的妻子在吃饭。妻子问到：“工作上有什么新鲜事吗？”丈夫回答说：“没有，我是教历史的。”

黄道十二宫的意义（一）

horoscope 星座 house 宫位 planet 行星

　　The first house belongs to the first sign, which is Aries. The second house to Taurus. The third to Gemini, the fourth to Cancer. The fifth to Leo. The sixth Virgo. The seventh to Libra, the eighth to Scorpio. The ninth to Sagittarius, the tenth go Capricorn. The eleventh to Aquarius, and the twelfth, to Pisces.

　　These house and sign relationships are harmonious to each other, and lucky is the person who is born with the signs posited in their rightful houses.

　　Since people are born every day in the year, and the constant journey of signs and planets is unceasing as the train moves through the houses around the Zodiac, it is quite usual for births to occur in heavenly houses harboring , at that moment, an antagonistic sign to that particular house.
  For this reason many lives carry a spirit of discord throughout the span. It is said that a lack of ability to accept and conform to the world we live in shows a poor quality of mind. Many of the people who cannot adjust themselves to their environment might be better able to do so had they an understanding of their natal horoscope.

爸爸不会喜欢的For Father

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."

"No thanks," said the young man.

"My father wouldn't like it."

"Don't be silly," the minister said.

"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."

中文翻译：

一牧师走在乡村的小路上，看见一个年轻的农夫正在费力地将掉落的干草放回车上。
“你看起来很热，我的孩子，”牧师说，“为什么你不歇一会，我会帮助你的。”
“不，谢谢了。”年轻人说。
“我的爸爸不会喜欢我这样做的。”
“别傻了。”牧师说。
“每一个人都有权利休息。来喝点水吧。”
年轻人再一次坚持他爸爸会生气地。牧师没了耐心，说：“你爸爸一定是个苛刻的监工。告诉我我怎样才能找到他，我要给他上一课。”
“好吧。”年轻人回答说。“他在干草的下面。”

星座母亲最爱礼物大揭密

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?" To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

Notetrooper：骑警，警察　　pull over：靠边停
中文翻译：

　　在一个乡村路上，一警察让这个农民靠边停车，说：“先生，你意识到你的妻子在几公里前从车上掉下去了吗？”农民回答说：“感谢上帝，我